Teenage Jokes

Santa is back again!

Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Santa: 13th October
Which year?
Santa: Oye ullu ke pathe – EVERY YEAR
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Manager asked Santa at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Santa replied: P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
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After returning back from a foreign trip, Santa asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Santa: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
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One tourist from U.S.A. asked Santa:
Any great man born in this village?
Santa: No sir, only small Babies!
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Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanti
So Santa writes, “Gandhi was a great man, but I don’t know who is Jayanti.
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Interviewer: just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Santa: its simple. I will stop my imagination!
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Santa: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Santa: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.
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Santa: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Santa: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new
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Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Santa: Wow! That’s an unbelievable exchange offer!
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Santa in airplane going 2 Bombay ..
While its landing he shouted: ” Bombay .. Bombay ”
Air hostess said: “B silent.”
Santa: “Ok.. Ombay. Ombay”
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Teacher: “What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA, RAM, GANDHI and BUDDHA?”
Santa: “All are born on government holidays…!
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Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Santa: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

Market risks

Investment Banker was Getting Married.

During Wedding, Wife Vomits..

Husband~”What Happened?”

Wife~”Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment.”

Husband: U cheated me..

Wife: U should know mutual fund investments are subject to market risks.

One of best suspense jokes

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,

“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”

The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.”

Swami Vivekanand & Professor Peters

When Swami Vivekanand was studying law at the University College, London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room when Vivekanand came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.

The professor said, “Mr Vivekanand, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.”

Vivekanandji looked at him as a parent would to a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge.

The next day in Class he posed the following question: “Mr.Vivekanand, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with money, which one would you take ?”

Without hesitating, Vivekanand ji responded, “The one with the money, of course.”

Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom.”

Swami Vivekanand shrugged and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have”

Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Swami Vivekanand’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Swami.

Vivekanand ji took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Swami Vivekanand got up, went to the professor and told him in a dignified polite tone, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

Ladies Day Out

Some ladies were sitting in a park every day. One man was observing them daily as they were talking and laughing loudly.

1 day he observed every body was silent . There must be some serious issue or incidents happened.

So he went to 1 lady and ask, Why every body is silent today?

The lady replied:
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.
.
.
.
.
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.
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All are present today…

Men will take few seconds to understand this

Coffee with Karan

After Coffee with Karan,
Star World is planning for:
Tea with Modi,
Cerelac with Rahul
&
:
:
:
:
Cough Syrup with Arvind Kejriwal.

Name 2 Great Kings

“Can you tell the name of 2 great Kings who have brought happiness & peace into people’s lives ?”

Student: “Smo-king & Drin-king ”!

Who was Akbar

Teacher: Who was Akbar?

Boy: Akbar was Gay.

Teacher:- What, Are you mad ? Why did you say that?

Boy:- We have heard Laila – Majnu , Heer -Ranjha , Soni- Mahival, Romeo – Juliet But Only Akbar – Birbal!

Alia Bhatt Jokes

Alia reads in new paper:

Police caught 80 kg heroine!

Alia: Shit yaar, Sonakshi pakkdi gayi!

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?t
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I ., but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law…

Husband & Wife

Husband & Wife – too good…..Just tooo goood..

This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force…

Poems written by WIFE & HUSBAND.

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed..
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn’t it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES
………………………………………………

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means – With Idiot For Ever
…………………………………………………………………
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.
…………………………………………………………

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
………………………………………………………….

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are…

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
…………………………………………………………..

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: a gentle push…!

Grandpa’s secret

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

“I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled.

“My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.

“Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”